The Definitive Ranking of The Chips You Will Encounter This Summer

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Jun 02, 2024

Be mindful of why you were invited to the dinner party. A good dinner guest never shows up empty-handed but a guest of a bad dinner never shows up with an empty stomach. The season of outdoor dinner parties, cookouts, and park picnics is upon us and, with it, the duty of bringing a side dish to accompany whatever the host is making.

There’s always the guy who brings the chips. This is not meant to be derogatory as chips are essential. I love chips. And yet, we can’t discuss chips without acknowledging the shoulders they stand on: the potato. The potato yields an expansive economy of varietals that extends across class and food processing structures to offer comfort regardless of the occasion. Looking to impress a distinguished perfume heir on a summer night at a brasserie in Paris? Order pomme frites avec truffle aïoli for the table. Out partying on the rambunctious streets of Montreal and seeking some satiating late-night grub? Grab yourself a classic, feel-good poutine. This diverse vegetable – a vegetable of colour (VOC) if we are counting yams, purple potatoes, and Garnet sweet potatoes – is the veggie of our gennie, a true VOG. Pierogis, garlic mashed potatoes, shepherds freakin’ pie, and potato roti. Potatoes generate delicious meals that transcend borders and cultures but none of these touch the premiere progenitor: the potato chip.

Now look. I am not here to instruct you on how to grill a piece of meat or how to pair the right tinned fish with the right cracker. Although that is a competency of mine, that is not my ministry. What is, however, my ministry is the potato chip. I have hyper-specific opinions about what chips are great, and what chips are mid and I wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself this dinner party season should you be a ‘chip guy’ yourself. And so, here is the definitive ranking of the Top 10 chips you will find at a dinner party this summer so you know what to bring and what to avoid.

#10: TERRA CHIPS

Do you hate yourself? Do you hate me? Showing up with these is so disrespectful. First of all, what is a taro anyway? What the hell is batata? A new workout class? Eating chips is meant to be an indulgent odyssey, not something you sensibly engage in. The only ‘sense’ that should be applied is when you rationalize buying a ‘family-size’ pack despite living alone because ‘it’s actually, like, better value’ and, before you know it, you’ve boxed the whole thing down and are clawing at an empty bag. But not with these chips. Terra Chips tastes like dial-up internet. Something very old and outdated in a disappointing, Amish (no shade to them), we-live-off-The-Land-Before-Time kind of way. Its brittleness causes the whole thing to splinter as soon as it comes in contact with your teeth. It’s not the one or the two or the three. Terra-ble.

#9 BUGLES

I have a vivid memory of my father bringing these home for me one day, tasting them, and truly believing that it was some immigrant parent disciplinary method for not acing a test at school. There is nothing more soulless than the Bugle. It’s almost like they know this themselves which is why the lackluster chip is coned into a duncecap to be ‘quirky’ instead of tasting good. Its shape is something ‘zany’ to giggle at like wow aren’t you one loca chica! But irony can only go so far and it’s a full-on chop for me.

Also, how bad does a chip have to be to be ‘banned’ from one of the most democratic countries in the world?

#8 CHARCUTERIE “CRISPS”

I’m not mad at these chips in concept. They taste pretty good when paired with the right spread and the substrate is textured enough that each bite provides variety. You definitely are never bored by this chip. My thing is… do not bring these UNLESS you are also bringing the correct dip or cheese with them. Too many times have I witnessed guests arrive with these “crisps” to posit some kind of sophistication and bring nothing to put on top of them. This means that the host, who is already busy with keeping the guests happy and prepping the food, has to toss them whatever is in the fridge – leftover hummus, picked at convenience store guac? – to smear on. The result? A bumper sticker on a Bentley. A fungal foot in a glass slipper! Not on my watch, not in my mouth.

#7 TOSTITOS WITH A HINT OF LIME

You see, I understand what you’re going for. And most times, it’s serviceable. But the thing is, you can’t really have too much of these before your mouth starts tasting like the inside of a citrus-tinted Topo Chico (derogatory). More importantly, I am of the belief system that the hint of lime is supposed to come from the fresh guacamole or salsa, not the chip. It’s a cheap shortcut that reduces the integrity of the guac. If the guac ain’t made right and the chip can’t stand on its own… what are we really doing here?

#6 FLAMIN’ HOT CRUNCHY CHEETOS

Okay, now we are cooking with heat. I had not experienced these until I moved to the U.S. and wow, this was really worth the immigration papers. The lil’ baggie version of these are the perfect snack and they also have a lime variety that does the citrus thing right (take notes Tostitos).

The only reason why this is not higher is that I don’t think these are a ‘social function’ chip. Eating a bag of these makes me very unsocial. They are not for dinner parties. These are the chips you wolf down in 34 seconds before your next meeting, camera off where you can smack your lips to absurdity and suck the orange powder from your fingertips. They are so indulgent that you owe it to yourself to enjoy alone. The flavour is also so overpowering that if you serve this at a party before the main course… heaven help whatever comes next.

#5 SALT AND VINEGAR (MISS VICKIE’S)

If this chip is your favourite, I regret to inform you that you’re in an abusive relationship because these chips are so salty and sharp that they will have your mouth CUT UP. That being said, they are pretty majoretta. I love Miss Vickie’s anything – Honey Mustard, Classic, Smokehouse BBQ. She has been doing the kettle-cooked potato chip thing correctly since 1987 (not to age her but facts are facts), long before the new generation of chips popped up at the bodega. Let’s give respect where respect is due. It’s her time.

#4 KETCHUP CHIPS

If Canada made this an export its currency would exceed the USD #NoCap. For those who love the combination of sweet and savoury, look no further than a bag of ketchup chips. For some reason, I didn’t love these chips when I lived in Canada… they always tasted moist to me as if someone else had them in their mouth first and put them back in the bag when I wasn’t looking. But distance makes the heart grow fonder and I snack on these whenever I visit home.

#3 LAY’S REGULAR

It’s in the name: she’s classic. Ain’t nobody touching her!!! She’s held it down for centuries and will outlast us all. What’s cool is that no two chips are alike; some are folded over into wishes while others strangely resemble the shape of Uzbekistan. And yet, it is a consistent, comforting experience every single time. Perfectly light, airy, and dusted with salt. When Andre 3000 sang “You are the prototype," he was talking about this one. The genesis of all chips. From Adam’s rib to your mouth.

#2 SOUR CREAM AND ONION (RUFFLES BRAND ONLY)

Whenever I see these harlots hangin’ out in a bowl at a party I know that whoever brought them matches my freak. Individually, both onion and sour cream have such pungent taste profiles. I don’t really eat sour cream (unless it’s a small dollop in a burrito) and, when I was younger, I never ate onions (their consistency reminded me of veiny human flesh, don’t ask). That being said, the combo between the two is lethal. WCTCNTAE1 immediately.

What’s even better is that these chips are great on their own and with a dip. This is why the Ruffles variety for this flavour is non-negotiable. It’s sturdy enough to carry a good French onion dip if you’re feeling nasty.

#1 DORITOS BUT IF YOU MADE ME PICK… DORITOS COOL RANCH

And now… the winner: The Dorito, the mononymous icon of chips. When you ask the chip guy what chips they brought to the party and they reply “Doritos,” there are no more questions to be had. You know you are going to be held by that chip bowl. You know you are safe regardless of whatever else gets placed on the snack table for consumption.

Why is the Dorito the ruler of chips, and with it, snacks?

The satisfying crunch of the Dorito is unmatched. Retainers and tooth gaps are protected citizens as there isn’t a jabby corner of a Doritos chip that isn’t about to wreck your whole scene. It’s also the noisiest chip ever but in a diva kind of way.
The much-talked-about bold flavour of the Dorito has been studied by academics around the world. From Nacho Cheese – who can forget that incredible Lil’ Wayne lyric in Lollipop remix: tell a girl like Dorito that’s not’ cho cheese? – to Poppin’ Jalapeno, Doritos sucker-punch your tastebuds in a way that doesn’t always feel 100% consensual but always feels good.
The radical finish. The Dorito leaves its powdery substance all over your fingertips as evidence of its dominance. This residue is not only a stunt, a way of the Dorito exclaiming, “I WAS HERE AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN,” it’s also a gift, allowing the chip eater time to relive the experience of eating a Dorito with a playful lick. Savour the flavour.

Even though all Doritos are LEGENDS TIER, there is one that is paramount. A lot of chip eaters may say it’s Sweet Chili Heat. In fact, a lot of alleged chip connoisseurs may tell you that it’s Sweet Chilli Heat. I am here to tell you that it’s not. Sweet Chilli Heat is great. It truly is. We have been led to believe that Sweet Chili Heat is a remarkable achievement because of its perfect mix of hot, sweet, and savoury flavours. For those privileged and cultured enough to have had a chip-eating adolescence, Sweet Chili Heat was one of the first times we got to experience a bold medley of flavour and, with it, define our personalities as something beyond the default (Lay’s Classic). It’s the first time we realized that “Hey, maybe the most mainstream option isn’t always the best.” When we were young, we could only express our discernment through a handful of things: music, clothes, and the chips we brought to parties. With its seductive, all-black packaging, Sweet Chili Heat became synonymous with someone possessing a certain taste level.

I am not here to take any of that away. Sweet Chili Heat is a freakin’ good flavour. But to call it the “best Doritos flavour ever?” Well, baby, you simply didn’t dig deep enough because the best Doritos flavour is undisputedly Cool Ranch.

Cool Ranch doesn’t even taste like ranch, “cool” doesn’t have a flavour and yet, the creators of this chip have achieved some strange, wonderful third thing. The blend of seasoning feels artisanal, crafted to perfection with orange and blue specks that resemble the colouring of a Tide Pod.

The initial flavour is subtle. It builds as you make your way through the bag, the next chip somehow bolder than the first. You can’t place it and you realize that you haven’t come across this combination of ingredients in any other snack. You eat more and more to chase the flavour but it slips between the cracks of your orange-coated fingers every time like a monarch butterfly.

It’s garlic then it’s onion then butter finally salt. The elusiveness of the flavour, how it transforms and becomes ephemeral is what makes it “cool.” Like all cool things, it’s unattainable and rightfully earns the title of best chip in the world. Bravo.

The Definitive Ranking of The Chips You Will Encounter This Summer

journalism is back, baby!

Later this month, I will be releasing the LOOSEY Mid-Year Review for paid subscribers exclusively, a comprehensive cultural evaluation of the year so far and a forecast of what’s to come. Get ahead and upgrade to paid today.

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