2025 Ins, Outs and Predictions
jester's privilege
Back by popular demand. I can be conservative on the INS, critical on the OUTS, and suspiciously spot-on with the PREDICTIONS. But if anything, I’m discerning. Also – this is all like… alleged and in good fun. So, please, nobody sue me.
INS 🫡
Checking a bag, there are two types of people — people who check a bag and those who look bad on vacation. You get no brownie points for being a ‘smart packer’ if you consistently look under-dressed.
Letting your phone die and not carrying a charger in your tote bag like a lunatic.
Sobriety, unless it’s Casa Dragones or Honey Deuces at the US Open.
Soundcloud, for those fatigued by the Spotify algorithm and looking to open the aperture of what they listen to with artists untouched by the machine. Also, there is a ton of unreleased stuff from your faves (SZA, I’m looking at you).
Recording videos from those old-school hand-held cameras and editing them yourself like you’re an OG Harmony Korine.
Speedboat by Renata Adler.
goated. Corporate espionage.
Using the word ‘panoply.’
Miu Miu on men, Willy Chavarria on everyone.
Jack Antonoff, after learning that he produced the new Kendrick album you have to recognize that he is not the issue here…
Doubles in East Hampton (specifically the Leilani Bowl and the chicken roti).
Calla lilies.
Vintage Cartier watches and lab diamonds.
People’s, not the diamonds.
Crispy onions on hot dogs and smoked mussels, separately, you freak.
OUTS 🤨
Potlucks, the chaos of coordinating disparate dishes from people who may not even know each other is barbaric. Dinner parties deserve a single culinary visionary, a benevolent dictator of taste to curate the menu and execute every bite. Vote culinary cohesion for 2025.
Confessional pop music, I want to go back to the days when I truly had no idea what a singer was talking about and the lyrics didn’t really make sense. Everything I know about Sabrina Carpenter’s sex life is against my will. I really don’t need to be aware of someone named “Matty Healy.” Pop music, at its best, is about escapism, and by tethering songwriting to real-life events like breakups, the art form is migrating closer to a The Cut personal essay and breaking the fourth wall.
Boiler Room, it’s run through now, sorry!
Those passive-aggressive side-tables waiters bring out to put your food on while they find space for it on your dining table because… what are you trying to tell me?
THESE! Because, like, why are you out here being messy for? Calling second-hand clothes “vintage,” although one isn’t better than the other, it’s often not the same.
Vapes, my childhood asthma prohibits me from participating but I do say that the cigfluence campaign is strong. It’s time to embrace tradition.
Sant Ambroeus.
Sweet potato fries, grow up.
Using the word ‘situationship,’ just say you ‘took a lover’ for a couple of months (or weeks lol) like the French and save yourself the embarrassment.
Geotagging on Instagram Stories, just post a few days later to keep ‘em guessing on your next move.
PREDICTIONS 🫨
SKIMS collab with Pope Francis on a “Catholic-friendly” underwear called HYMNS.
Justin Bieber comeback amid the Diddy trials.
Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron divorce.
Sabrina Carpenter to date Pete Davidson, Pete Davidson to return to SNL.
Emma Cline’s The Guest optioned to HBO and produced by A24 with Margaret Qualley as lead (repeat from 2024 predictions)
Tyla and PinkPantheress to collab on a song, uniting the diaspora finally. JT to hop on the remix.
Velma movie that no one asked for directed by Greta Gerwig. Jenna Ortega to turn down the role, Rachel Ziegler to be cast as the titular Velma.
- to expand the successful Subway Takes franchise to “Cruise Takes,” and interview the elderly and/or retired on cruises to find out their hot takes and life advice. Almost like a Triangle of Sadness reality show.
Barron Trump to join Bluesky, become an ‘internet personality,’ and subliminally signal left-leaning beliefs through mukbang video content. Pictures of him hanging out with Jack Schlossberg to surface.
Brendon Holder book deal.
The US Open to become a premiere fashion event, challenging the MET Gala in media impressions, bolstered by lucrative apparel collabs and brand activations.
shoutout arthur ashe. The nation of Italy to (finally) sue Olive Garden for cultural appropriation and culinary bastardization.
One of the FAANG corporations to make a bid to purchase Substack or develop a formidable competitor for writers/creators.
Judge Judy Mania: kicking off with a Netflix tell-all documentary (Martha-style) followed by Judy, a film by Pablo Lorrain, to go into production starring Allison Janney (Sally Hawkins will audition and come close).
Balenciaga to offer Luigi Mangione a campaign contract but Luigi to decline under the advice of his lawyer (“Let’s way for Miuccia’s call,” she’ll say). Instead, Demna to hire Isaac Cole Powell as the face of the new collection, and heavily allude to Luigi through campaign artwork.
A global Mad Men re-watch commences, igniting January Jones and Kiernan Shipka’s careers to new heights (repeat from 2024 predictions)
Jamie Lloyd to acquire the stage rights to Tony Tulathimutte’s Rejection.
Red Scare x Erewhon collab with raw milk smoothie, two people to die from consuming igniting a class action lawsuit. RFK Jr. to be somewhat tied to this and forced into exile.
Justin Trudeau to lose the Canadian election and become the new face of Kiehls.
Azealia Banks to release Fantasea 2 to widespread critical acclaim.
Gen Z to discover Avicii’s music through Yeat rapping over ‘Penguin’ in a new mixtape. This to spur a variety of copycats with artists hopping on other music from the era (Kid Cudi “Day N Night,” David Guetta “Sexy Bitch” and Pitbull “Give Me Everything.”)
LOOSEY x Limousine collab.
Wicked: The Movie awards season sweep, Ryan Destiny to win Independent Spirit Award for The Fire Inside.
Matthew McConaughey Christmas album.
North West on the cover i-D magazine, Charli xcx too.
Apple Music to buy Boiler Room, Zane Lowe to then interview LSDXOXO.
Fire Island to sink.
Beyoncé to announce “tour,” except it’s a rodeo festival that attendees travel to Texas for three days.
Playboy Magazine re-emerging as a prominent cultural publication, a rizzed out Interview Magazine, with Jenna Lyons as Editor-In-Chief (repeat from 2024 predictions).
Marni to present in Lagos, Nigeria.
Celine Sciamma to reach Sophia Coppola levels of fandom in North America (finally!), NEON to commission ‘art book’ of all of her movies and screenplays.
Thanks, everyone. Smooth sailing to 2025. Let me know your Ins, Outs, and Predictions for the coming year.
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shocked bc i’ve been bumping “sexy bitch” AND “give me everything” how did u knowww
Absolutely begging Big Book to give you a deal!!!!